Oh wow what a spectacularly rubbish day I have had.
Kate was off sick
Biff has worn out two pairs of school shoes all the way through
I spent two hours making a bacon pudding for my husband…..the glass bowl exploded
The glass bowl exploded and scalded my arm
I was waiting 45 minutes for Biffs jabs and went to check what was taking so long, the nurse wasn’t in today
I went on a ten minute very swearing rant about the shocking service (insert swears here!)
I went to get Biff new shoes, I found no shoes for Biff
The opticians wanted me to take Kate back 20 minutes after her appointment as they forgot to photograph her eyes
Kates eyes are perfect but still has symptoms
My back and chest hurt after being kung pow chickened by Biff yesterday because I had the audacity to put her to bed slightly early
I am tired , my arm is burning and I have failed as a human being today……hope husband enjoys the takeaway pizza…….that I can’t eat cause I am lactose intolerant!
For the past year and a half I have been a working mum. I have now suddenly become a stay at home mum again and to be honest I don’t think I’m adjusting well. I am now missing being able to toilet by myself and having peace and quiet on the journey to work. There is now no journey, no quiet and a different kind of work. I thought working was hard but this is a whole other cake. I now have no sense of purpose or control over anything. I am not respected I am just the house bitch. I am not a person any more I am just mum. I don’t mean to seem ungrateful because I love my children and this change was to help my children but it’s a shock. A change I am having trouble dealing with. I am mourning not only the loss of my job but the loss of who I was when I was at work. My family don’t understand. All that work I did to be in a place I was ok to work has all gone .I feel like it was all for nothing. And because it was for the safety of my children I am not allowed to feel like this. I have to be pleased with my decision and carry on as normal. But this is not normal and I am not ok.
It is half four in the afternoon and i’m bathed and in my pjs very much ready for sleep. Just me and my big cat side by side watching Netflix. It has been quite a week, a week I do not care to repeat. A week that messed with me so much I was up at 4am this morning tidying (anyone who knows me knows I hate morning and cleaning). I’m physically tired and emotionally spent. I can’t adult and I can’t mother. From start to finish my week has changed me so much and I’m pretty much done, I’m out.
I came to the shocking realisation as I ran head first into today that I am only ‘normal’ for one week a month. I am doing the air quotes on normal cause lets face it nobody is. As a PMS suffered I endure that for two weeks then it is the piece de resistance that is menstruation. I can only be myself for one week a month…..lets let that sink in for a while shall we?
I realised this on my way to work this morning. Three teenagers decided they needed to walk side by side when they saw me coming causing me to drift into a brick wall. Cue shouting ‘REALLY? Fucking idiots’ at 8.50am a new record for me on foul language time. A man in front of me turned around to see an angry small lady and proceeded to take flight on foot. ‘Outrun me will ya?’, my brain suggests we try to catch up.
So on the outside it may seem like I had a bad day (don’t even get me started on the delivery driver and care park antics) but it seems to me that being hormonal is normal for me seems that is my stage for a majority of time. So if chasing strange cats, crying at songs and walking around holding my boobs up cause I feel like somebody has body slammed me (and not in a good way) then yeah ,that’s me……normal.
Just when you think things are going well relationships, jobs, life, you pause and start to see the cracks, the paper peeling in the corners, the wrinkles in the sticker underneath. You try your best to get along, to do what you are supposed to and not say what you are yearning to say. But surely that is not the way to live your life. Why can’t you say the uncomfortable things? Why are you always wrong for feeling that way? Why is the problem always me? I try to live a life in a way that others would approve of, I follow their instincts and not my own. But if I think about it and not for too long I can see that my instincts have been right this far and the life I have is a life I have built for myself so why do I care what you think when in the end I know more than you. I know what I’m doing and am doing it right. And how do I know this? Because I am doing this my way……not your.
I need a new fridge. I realised this this morning as I drank my morning coffee, milk slightly sour where the door wont stick anymore. My heart sank as I ordered a new one. I don’t want a new one. Although the fridge is on the bottom and nobody can see what’s in there. Even though the door wont remain shut anymore and spoils the food. Even though the freezer is way too small for a family of four. You see this fridge was yours. It held your food. You’ve touched it. It belonged to you, just like I did. If I get a new fridge I have to let go of the old one, I have to let go of you. I see it everyday and in that I see you. You are still here, still part of my family. Seeing the baby you met grow into a little lady and seeing the little girl you never got the chance to met. I walk past your house and little by little it’s changed and I know it’s no longer your house. But as long as I have the fridge you are here and it never changes. But it spoils the food and isn’t practical, I have known this for a while, it has to go and so did you. I see that now and I didn’t want to let go but now I think I might have to. I miss you my little fridge, I miss you Rose.
I finally got around to going to the appointment. After months of tests I finally got my results but my reaction was not a typical response and the consultant just sat there perplexed. ‘But it’s good news’, he said again, watching my face crumpled up, trying not to cry. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want anything bad to have happened but the symptoms were uncomfortable enough to want at least a solution. ‘You have all the symptoms of brain lesions and even a tumour. But the tests are all clear, it’s just the way you were made’, he continued, ‘so it’s good news’. I just glared at him, ‘If it was good news there would be a solution. I get that not having a brain tumour is awesome but you’re telling me having double vision whenever I’m tired or am under artificial lighting or trying to bloody read. So I have to deal with these headaches every day forever?’ ‘Take painkillers’. This was where I got annoyed, ‘you advise not to take painkillers for headaches all the time, these are daily. So just put up with it?’ Take proper breaks at the computer (all this I do). Come back in five months and we will discharge you. My symptoms haven’t changed in a year, there is noting physically wrong with me but you can’t discharge me? Waste of time and resources, treat me or let me go. I had always hoped that glasses would help ease the struggles….nope apparently my eyesight is perfect…. I am naturally fucked up and here’s me thinking I could get myself out of it….nope just born weird.
You know what? i’ve actually had a pretty good day, work wise. People find it boring when things are not falling apart and everything is going tits up. I managed two days back at work without the direct support of a boss figure and I was no scared. I was pretty awesome to be honest. I was happy, confident and actually enjoying myself. I enjoy my job and this is a new thing for me. Having babies and raising a family were things I wanted and now that I have achieved this I was so scared that I would be left without something for myself. But I make my own money and support my family in many more ways .I have gained confidence and tried new things (see my business trip). Yeah it doesn’t always go to plan and we can’t enjoy every single experience. But man! I have tried and that is the main thing really. That’s all we can ask for in life is that we try. I am pleased to say that I am now participating in life and I feel like maybe I am going to be OK.
The joy about being a woman is not only do I get to feel bad about working or staying at home or you know? Wanting a family or not wanting one is that we get to have periods. Yes we get punished for not having to push a baby out of somewhere way too small.
I feel better 97% of the time at the moment. No longer in therapy but still medicated. I’m doing things that scare me (eating in restaurants, what what?) I feel better and I am better. However that one time a month smacks me right all up in the face. I don’t want to be the one that bitches and moans but for somebody trying to overcome anxiety it can be a tricky few weeks. Queue the return of nocturnal panic attacks. Yes that’s right, panic attacks when you are asleep (and you thought panic attacks were scary enough on their own). Picture this….you are peacefully sleeping then WAPOW! you are awake ,you don’t known where you are, you wanna throw up, you’re hot, you need the toilet, you are tachycardic and you are scared as hell. I haven’t had this for months but they thought they would rear their ugly head….the night before I needed to go back to work.
So I have been awake since five…..my DH has had a shocking day and we have all felt the wrath. I am tired mentally and physically. Being a mum is fucking hard!