Check-out time

Why is it only acceptable to have a day off when you are physically ill? Got a cold or infection? Great! Take the day off and go back to bed. Treat yourself kind and rest. Don’t feel bad, you’re ill ,you can’t help it. I have had a fair few of these and I kept going as far as I could until sickness eventually wore me down. However I was feeling mentally overwhelmed and exhausted. I could do nothing except get angry, frustrated and cry all day. I couldn’t take myself back to bed, I couldn’t rest and drink plenty of fluids because I wasn’t sick I was just being silly. I have been trying to hold it together for far too long and pushed myself far beyond my capabilities because it isn’t a physical need…..it’s a mental one. So I made the decision to put my mental first aid first…….however I have spent everyday since feeling guilty and worried. How dare I not be able to carry on as normal. What  is wrong with you? Just get on with it like a grown up! I didn’t have the strength to carry on and I made the difficult decision to do right by myself and it’s just left me feeling bad and selfish. I want to be ready for the next stage of my life, the more positive one but I feel like I have ruined and new start by skipping out early on the old one. When will I ever learn? When will I ever be able to accept that sometimes I need to make the difficult decision and it WILL b the right one? Why can I never get it right? And when will I stop caring what other people see in me?

Scared of the journey, not the destination

In my life I am scared of moving forward. I am fearful of new situations and most importantly I am afraid of getting better. On a conscious level I am better and I have been for several months, I just don’t know how to move on from here. I thrust myself backwards where I don’t want to go, I concentrate so hard to make myself panic because I am just not sure where to go from here. I am not afraid of where my life will end up, I am scared of getting there…..really I am scared of living my life. How do I move on? I have all the tools yet I feel stuck. I am so so scared of being myself in my new life. What if nobody likes me? What if I cannot make myself or others happy? I have had a shield of depression to hide behind. I have worked so hard to get where I am in my mental and personal help so why am I so stuck? I fear going to new places and I gear being happy like I don’t deserve it. The journey is much more important than the destination. The journey is moments with my childen….at the end of my journey they will no longer hold my hand, they won’t need me to barricade them in comfort and duvets when there is a thunder storm, they will no longer want to tell me about their day, they will no longer need me. I just want….I just need to let go and jump feet first in. These moments are my life. This is where I want to be. I am all in x

One sweet day

I have had a pleasant day- Saw the husband in the morning before he went to work, took Biff to playgroup where I had a coffee and chatted with friends. It was warm, I wore a dress……then why do I feel guilty. I have the flutter of anxiousness that no longer has a place in my life. It’s just a feeling, they come , they go……but the guilt- that never ends. I’ve done the ground work, I’m on the meds, I have read all the books and I am totally OK most of the time. But tell me….when does the acceptance start? I feel better and I know everything there is to know about coping, dealing and living with anxiety….but guilt? Where is the book on that? Where are the workshops? What are the coping strategies. I feel guilty when I spend money, when I feel anxious, when I eat, that I like men and women, that I wear converse and trainers instead of matching outfits, that I don’t know what to cook for dinner, that I’m too tired to play, that I am relaxing, that I don’t want to do anything and when I have had a great day. I feel most guilty when I am happy. Haven’t we all endured so much in life that we should be able to have moments of pure happiness…..then where is mine? Maybe one sweet day.

It’s never enough

I naively thought that recovery was straight forward.

step one; admit you have a problem

Step two; ask for help

step three; get help

step four; get better…..boom! job done!

No apparently not. Recovery is not straight forward. No matter how much I want it to be. I have many days where I feel absolutely brilliant and then boom! I feel rubbish. I feel like I’m slipping back into a spiral of ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘you have nothing and mean nothing’, ‘rubbish ,rubbish, rubbish!’ However I have difficulty accepted that I can just feel crap sometimes…I automatically presume I have some sort of mental illness. I slip into a habit of not making my own decisions and to let people influence how I behave and what I do.

 

Recovery is a bitch! it lures you in to a safe sense of being and then wallops you in the face with a giant fish! I have genuine everyday grown up problems and my way of dealing with it is being a drama queen and giving up.

I should be happy with my progress if I’m completely honest. I can now get up and out of bed now without any issues. I went into central London and went on the tube (Big, big, big achievement for me). I am better, I am feeling better….just sometimes I want to sit in my pjs and sulk. That’s not too much to ask is it?

Na na na na na na na na Batman!

Yes I am a grown woman, eating muesli in bed ,watching Netflix in my Batman pjs.

Yes you are correct, I have had a bad day (and yes I am awesome).

I sort something out, I feel better, I start to succeed….something goes wrong.

I have no money, I am struggling to stay a float financially……. and it’s lady time*

*period time not a time ladies take for themselves to do what they want which is what my eight year old Kate thought (I bloody wish!)

I am hoping it’s just the lady time blues.

I woke up very late, I bummed around in my pjs.

I got pissed off with myself and got dressed and non stop cleaned and sorted out some of my house.

I paused for singing, dancing, tickling and creating snail hotel’s in the back yard.

I had a bad day but allowed in the good.

I felt low but I picked myself up and carried on.

I did it because I am a grown up and I am awesome.

I did it for me, I did it for Biff ,I did it for Kate.

I carried on and saw the good in the bad.

And lets face it…..who doesn’t feel good in batman pjs?

It’s not what it looks like

It’s not what it looks like

I do not have an eating disorder…….

I’m just going to leave this here. And I want you to read it back when you start to think I do.

I do not.

I do however have a complicated relationship with food.

I have finally cleared through the anxiety fog and I need to put on weight. Two years of panic attacks and constant anxiety are going to leave their mark somehow.

However I have noticed that my negative thoughts determine my eating pattern and I am happy to say that I nipped it in the bud.

I had a lovely day with Biff and Kate when BAM! I got home to bad news. After feeling a little hopeless I got dinner in the oven and went to my safe place ( the shower) to clear my head. After I returned in my new awesome pj’s I realised I didn’t make myself any dinner.

So apparently during my darker days (panic and anxiety) I withheld things I needed in some sort of punishment. ‘You are useless and you don’t deserve care’, is what it was ultimately saying.

My panic and anxiety withheld self care.

Luckily meds and a bit of positivity ensured that I made myself dinner.

Although the day brought bad news and more things to sort out I know that I am winning.

Up yours troll!

When you wish upon a star

Five weeks ago I asked for help and that is when my life truly began. In this short amount of time I have actually lived my life, done some things I always seemed to put off. I accept the person I am instead of the person I thought I should have been. I am smiling, having fun and making friends. I have time for myself, my family and others. My relationship with my mum is striving and I truly believe I can have the life I have always wanted. I can finally accept myself as those around me who love me already have. I have made small steps and differences….I know in time that these will develop. My small successes will become bigger, will become great. I accept others around me for exactly who they are and now I am able to give myself the same respect. I am unique, I am loved, I am accepted, I am me.

Battlefield

I feel calmer and a little bit more me. I still have anxious moments ,which in life we all have. Now instead of complete panic attacks i have tiny bursts of sheer terror and it subsides so quickly i am never sure if it is really there. The bad ,negative thoughts are less and they were almost obsessive at times. I couldn’t go one waking moment without having to belittle and berate myself. I no longer feel like my world is spinning and i am starting to make sense of myself.

But i am so terrified that this is all temporary. That i have made no progress and have done no real work. Is it just the meds talking? I am worried that when i finally come off them that i will plunge deep into despair. Am i really getting better or have i got better at masking the problem. And why can’t i just be happy i finally feel some peace?

Counselling and meds……..can they really help? Is this really the answer? I don’t want to be dependant on the chemical feel good but i was dependant on the despair.

I feel like at my worst i am at war with myself. Which side will win? Chemical weapons or negotiations? Why can i not believe that this is a team effort and not a solitary battle? This is just the last hurdle and not the bigger picture….not the actual fight. It’s been a good two years and i do not want to surrender but i do not want to fight. I want to lay my weapons aside and go home.

Learning to drive

I am learning to do this both literally and emotionally. Everyday is a new hurdle to jump over and a new lesson to learn. There is no set list on emotional driving, no mirror ,signal ,maneuverer.

I thought i was falling into the abyss of despair yesterday. I awoke, my heart pounding, i was as scared as a little girl. I thought i was being dragged backwards into my downward spiral. You see, now that i am trying to recover i have to relearn feelings. I have to learn how to recognise thoughts and feelings that would normally plunge me into panic.